Needing godliness

I had Good Friday all to myself, and I ended up buying a ticket to Mary Magdalen. I never knew how much I identified with this misunderstood biblical figure.

Mary had demons, as the story goes. In this interpretation, the demons were no more than a yearning for something that she couldn’t pinpoint, a yearning that manifested in her refusal to marry. One day, after she was nearly drowned by her brother and father in an attempt to wash away these demons, Jesus of Nazareth is summoned to heal her. He comes to her room as she lay in silent devastation, and he asks her what she wants. She says she “isn’t sure” before pausing and finally answering: “To know God.”

I am in a much better place than when I began this blog six years ago, yet I continue to have the same existential yearning as Mary once had. I started to tap into something in my mid-30s, but I seemed to have lost my way after my child was born. I became a full-time working mother where providing and practicality was an almost obsessive pursuit. I have become hardened and godless, caught up in the drudgery of daily life.

My partner asked me jokingly if I would like to attend church on Easter morning. I answered that yes, I would like to go. He looked at me and said “you would like to drag me to church.” This is Holland, and attending church is reserved for the religious fanatics. Only one in six people believe in god, and 25% are atheist.

I wanted to wryly point out that people who pray together, stay together.

It’s just that, life has had me a bit by the balls lately. Work has challenged me more than ever in my career, my family has endured a lot of sickness and physical pain, and my daughter is a very willful toddler who tests the boundaries at every chance.

I could do with some god.

“Yet when you are surrounded with darkness, raise not your fist to the heavens, and curse the darkness not. But use the darkness, that you might know who you really are. Be a light unto the darkness, that you might express who you really are, and all those who see you, would know who you as you really are, and by the light of your example, know who they really are as well.” -Neale Donald Walsch


  1. Hi Jami (I remember you :-)). . . This is a comment I gave to another person yesterday, but I felt to give it to you also . . . I know it is difficult to discern because of my writing abilities but after 75 years on this planet as an observer . . . this is the best I can do:

    I know God . . . I see him every time I look into a mirror . . . so do you . . . so does everybody that owns a beating heart . . . including my dog . . . including the acorn in my yard.

    To know the total mystery called God is to know that which lies beyond the structure of time and space, we can’t do that . . . but we can see that mystery as it manifests itself in each of those things I just mentioned . . . it’s easy to do, until we begin to lose sight of the forest and fall in love with our favorite tree . . . until we deny our responsibility in all this . . . until we deny the effects of our creativity both personally and corporately . . . until we deny that the mystery gave us a heaven and we are busily recreating it’s heaven into our hell.

    To me the question is not about the mystery that will always be a mystery . . . it’s about the purpose as to why we created this duality to exist in, in the first place. It must have been awful boring in perfect land.


    • Hello JJ! I of course remember you too. 🙂 Thank you for this, and indeed it must have been a very dull place with no adversity (Neale, who I quoted above, is the one who inspired a sea change in the way I perceived adversity). My child – this beautiful little creature who came into my life a few years back – embraces all the emotions/experiences of life, as toddlers do. I see god in her, and in us together, including those “hell” moments when every person in the general vicinity can hear her throwing a fit, dinner is burning and I’ve come home from a rough day at work. Also…”until we deny our creativity both personally and corporately…” That’s a good nugget and something I will take. I think many people learn to deny their own creativity, in other words the ability to be open-hearted to the moment. We become rigid and planned because life feels safer that way..more manageable. A balance is what I seek, these days. Some planning/management/deliberately creating while being open-hearted to the beauty of life’s moments, good and bad.

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